The Spread

Our little boys are already sick and tired of having to sit through "long, boring, formal events" for their brother who is graduating.

We've dragged them to a convocation dinner for honor graduates, a ceremony at the local community college for h.s. students who excelled in accelerated coursework, and, tonight, a talent show.

This is awards-ceremony/concert season. There will be an orchestra concert during which our high school senior will conduct his "senior piece." There will be drama awards, a chorus concert, Baccalaureate, class night, and graduation.

During one very serious ceremony, the little ones caught the giggles. They couldn't contain their laughter over funny-sounding surnames like Miss Gross or Mr. Quackenbush.

The parents sitting behind us had a hard time containing their giggles as they watched our boys snort and sniffle.

The WestBerry Dad and I looked stern. I pinched ears and shoulder nerves, trying to get them to "straighten up."

But I almost lost it myself...watching them twist down in their chairs and turn red as they honestly tried to keep from laughing. I almost started to laugh too.

I was blessed by the keynote speech by my former Dean, Bob, at this event. The boys were listening.

Do well. Stay balanced. Be creative.

Spread joy.

It's Never Too Late

I enjoy listening to Joyce Meyer podcasts. She has a new book out entitled, "It's Never Too Late," and several recent messages have been dedicated to this theme.

It's never too late to eat a more healthy diet. It's never too late to have a fantastic marriage.

We're never too far gone, too old, too dirty, too guilty or too whatever that God can't work a miracle in us.

The Bible is full of examples of individuals who made changes in their lives when it didn't seem possible or probable.

Recently our 16-year-old learned that the summer job he had lined up fell through. Now it seems "too late" to find something else.

Still, he doesn't have a résumé prepared and I have a Sunday and a holiday over which to register him for a college course (the school's offices are closed, of course).

It's not too late to do something wonderful with/for this child. What window/door will open up for him next?

"Let It Go"

First let me tell you that I am tormented by the music from Disney's "Frozen." My children constantly sing the songs and play them on the piano (don't get me wrong..the songs are beautifully written).

My students beg and beg to watch the movie in Spanish class. It has become a running joke. Overheard in the hallway after class...

"Did she let you watch Frozen today?"

"No, she made us watch some Poncho Villa movie."

I simply don't appreciate the sentiment behind the song, "Let It Go." Good girl goes wild. Uses her power to surround herself with the lifestyle of her choosing. Destroys the village and hurts people in the process (a fact little emphasized in the movie).

Still, this phrase has become representative of my approach to life. I'm working hard to let go of clutter, including the HOUSE, the contents of the BARN, and my GARDEN SHEDS at the property we haven't sold yet (even with the truck broken down). I want to downsize my flock of sheep and sort out clothes that no longer fit the children. I'm letting go of toys, movies, and nicknacks.

I'm working to let go of worry. I want to be able to shake off the ever-present feeling that I could be doing more for my students. I want to completely give God my worries about the boys and my husband and their safety and progress.

There's one feeling that I seem to hold onto more than any other. It surrounds my oldest's high school graduation, his grad party, and the award events that take place over the next month.

He has worked so very, very hard over the last several years to graduate at the top of his class. He has suffered injuries and the loss of his closest childhood friend. Most recently our school lost a beloved band teacher. J had played 17 shows side-by-side with Mr. B in the pit orchestra. They had marched and played jazz together.

But J has played game after game, performance after performance, without our extended family present.

They don't live far away. I send out invitation after invitation with silence the only response.

Several newspapers have recognized J's accomplishments with front page splashes and inclusion in special editions and lists. He has received kudos from The American Legion, the school, and even President Obama.

It's all much appreciated...but I still wish our families would come around.

I wish they would come to his graduation or his final piano recital. The empty chairs at the table across from us at this week's Convocation Dinner had me staring at the other grandparents in the room.

I wish they would call him and say, "good job" or "I'm proud of you."

So today I'll keep singing the song I hate, to give myself some added "cheering on." Let it go. Let this go too.

Enough, already.

I sometimes wonder how my grandmother survived the long days and nights in the nursing home. She felt lonely without my grandpa, who had predeceased her. She reported that she was often bored or left feeling helpless, as she was confined to the wheelchair and later the bed.

I myself haven't yet learned to lean wholly on Christ, not only for short periods of crisis but for long periods of hardship or isolation. It's something that's still developing in me - how to turn to him when there is no family, no friend available, no entertaining music or television program to distract me.

Yesterday was "one of those days." High school students acting out. College students screaming at me, threatening to call the dean. My little boys "adopted" some pet snakes and put them in the garage. The littlest boy built a fort in the music room, using every dining room chair and laundry basket (leaving the dirty clothes from those baskets covering every inch of the laundry room). Spill eggs on the kitchen floor, left there for the dog we don't have anymore.

I didn't have the energy to clean any of it up or make dinner. I shut down and went to bed at 7 p.m.

(It dawned on me this morning that I might need some more iron in my diet. A thick piece of tenderloin might do the trick. Or liver and onions. :E)



Lyrics "You're Not Alone"
by Meredith Andrews

I searched for love when the night came and it closed in
I was alone, but You found me where I was hiding
And now I'll never ever be the same
It was the sweetest voice that called my name, saying

You're not alone for I am here
Let me wipe away your every fear
My love, I've never left your side
I have seen you through the darkest night
And I'm the One who's loved you all your life
All your life

You cry yourself to sleep
â€~Cause the hurt is real and the pain cuts deep
All hope seems lost with heartache your closest friend
And everyone else long gone
You've had to face the music on your own
But there is a sweeter song that calls you home, saying

You're not alone for I am here
Let me wipe away your every tear
My love, I've never left your side
I have seen you through the darkest night
And I'm the One who's loved you all your life
All your life

Faithful and true forever
My love will carry you

You're not alone for I, I am here
Let me wipe away your every fear
My love, I've never left your side
I have seen you through the darkest night
Your darkest night
And I'm the One who's loved you all your life
All your life

It's Almost Over

My personality type is infamous for starting strong. We like new beginnings, the creative process, and the exploration of different environments. On the flip side, we tend to fizzle out at the end of projects.

So it wasn't terribly surprising when my oldest son said to me, "we're almost through this, Mom." He was cheering me on. He was also commenting on the date - the first week of May of his senior year of high school. For him, this would be a week full of AP exams, rehearsals, and meetings.

Still, I wasn't sure exactly which "this" he was referring to. I'm in the middle of many "near the finish line" situations.

My husband is due to return from another business trip. Just like the last time he was away, this was a looooong stretch of weeks full of trials. Two dead lambs, a misstep that killed the family dog, and on his side, an accident that banged up his face and caused him to lose some teeth.

I just made the last piano lesson payment and the last installment on a boy's class trip to Albany. I was certainly glad to be through with those ongoing obligations.

The Spring 2014 semester is nearly over. My grades are due in two days.

The school year is almost over for the little ones too. It has been a challenging year marked by bullying and academic struggles. They have hated homework, the hot lunch program, and the bus rides. I have been frustrated by ripped uniform pants, a lack of communication with teachers, and what I perceive as little help/slow progress with their reading.

A plumber came this morning to evaluate the water and drainage situation for our downstairs bathroom. At the same time he looked at what it would take to install our dishwasher. How I would love for our hand dish-washing days to be over!

And yes, J (18) is about to graduate. He is about to conduct his senior pieces in both chorus and orchestra. We received a notice that the local community college is recognizing his work in their ACE program. We're making big plans for his graduation party.

This beautiful, wonderful chapter of his childhood is indeed, almost over.

The Sounds of Spring

It is taking me some time to adjust to the "cranked up" sounds of Spring. Windows down, car radio blaring. Birds chirping. Peepers peeping. Marching bands. Bag pipes. Night-time thunderstorms. End-of-the-semester oral presentations.

The rides at the amusement park where I work are running again. I'm surrounded by the the gears and chains of the roller-coasters, the screams and laughter of guests, and phone calls from many of the additional 3,000 seasonal employees. "I don't know where to report." "There's a problems with my paycheck." "How much gas is in the golf cart?"

When I walk through a parking lot I'm almost overwhelmed by the dialogs that my hyper-sensitive hearing picks up...parents yelling at their children. Siblings arguing.

Dogs barking. Lambs with their heads stuck in the fence crying.

Yesterday afternoon I was putting some cuttings into the ground when I heard the two grown men trying to sing like Ann and Nancy Wilson of the band "Heart." My little boys were home with me and we live quite a distance from our neighbors so I was, at first, "shaken." Then I saw my teenagers at the end of the driveway. They were getting the mail from inside the car, singing along to the Glee Season 1 Soundtrack. (Moan)

I'm trying to find a "happy" place for my ears, like, perhaps, a music channel that isn't annoying. Suggestions?

The Old Homesteads

I believe in the guerrilla-warfare style planting of lilac bushes.

I'm also prone to snooping around old, abandoned properties to pull up shoots from long-abandoned lilac bushes.

I scored several this week and I know them to be a delicious, old-fashioned variety that smells heavenly.

Now, where should I plant them?

Incidentals

Many years ago, when my sister and I "shared" our family cottage, she advised me that "small holes sink a large ship." She was recommending a "tighter" management of the building and property. At the time, I had small children and she wasn't married yet.

Small holes are "sinking" me at work. Supervisors aren't paying attention to pay rates or negative block time when approving payroll so that later, when employees get their paychecks and realize they've been shorted, I have to soothe their pain. Both of my boss' daughters received short checks last Friday.

While my husband is working far away, the "incidentals" that pop up are also draining me....a $25 fee for a football combine, $300 for a class trip to Albany, the teenagers' gas money, $50 for two M.I.A. Netflix movies, a new knee brace for the track star, keeping milk stocked in the fridge...

Despite my constant begging that the boys shorten their showers, turn off the water after chores, and turn off lights, I don't see much cooperation. Our water bill, electric bills, insurance bills, and animals bills are mammoth.

I wish that I knew the "magic trick" to get the boys to notice these details: their ball caps on the counter, candy wrappers by the computer, shoes in the middle of the entryway, collectible cards in the fruit bowl.

If small holes sink a big ship I am so SUNK.

If I kept my focus on the dirty socks under the couch, the tools left out in the rain, or the stress of trying to meet every demand from school, the jobs, and the household, I'd probably feel pretty sad.

Another way to look at it has to do with the long view and the law of thermodynamics. Time will see to it that the house will eventually fall down. The children will eventually grow up and move away. I may well die while still owing Verizon for a cell phone that a boy dropped into orange juice (it certainly feels as if I will never finish paying that off).

For now I can only do "my best" and keep moving forward. I still try to teach the boys to be tidy and take care of their things. I will still try to catch all of the mistakes in a payroll for 2,000+ employees and I will still try to manage my classes well.

Keep moving forward...until the ship sinks :)

As for my sister, who now has small children of her own, I do wonder how the "small holes" thing is going for her.